Feelings are not here anymore

Kinda long (Tw: dont really know if there is any but just in case)

So usually when I go out with friends my mind is busy so everything goes on ok. However for a while now I don't really get that feeling, like usually I'll laugh to literally anything remotely funny that they say but not anymore, now I have to fake laugh for most of it. But is not that I just feel like it isn't funny or anything, is more like this inmense feeling of numbness and of just wanting to dissapear gets into me and it makes it difficult to just keep as usual but I still try to do it. And I see it getting worse, like literally two days ago at a friends birthday it happen and nearly by instinct I started to cut the palm of my hand under the table mid conversation (nobody noticed and I only made like 5 strokes before stopping and they were not really that deep )

I mean like I don't fking understand myself because when I usually feel worst and want to literally end it all is when I stop for a second and realize that everyone around me is happy and that they would keep like that if I wasn't there. I guess it's because I don't really bring much of value to them from my pov. Like I overthink big time and normally always feel like I'm not doing enough as a friend/son and that makes me just want to vanish don't really know why. Also kinda scared because I'm seeing that each day it's gettin worse to the point that I've doubted many times if I really love my parents because I feel like I don't really show it and that makes me a terrible son.

Also don't get me started on how normal it is to insult everyone on a daily basis as a "joke". Like before it was fun and everything but Idk why from a time now hearing those words directed to me from people close to me makes me want to cut myself despite my mind knowing that they don't actually mean it. Like bro what happened to me? When I was younger I didn't care abt anything someone said or did to me, and now I can't even take a joke without overthinking 30 times. Don't get me wrong, usually when I go out with friends or family I act normal but it all comes together at night or when I have a moment to think and makes me me feel like a piece of trash. The worst thing is that my friends already know my situation from previous incidents but I feel like talking abt it with them any more is gonna be a pain for them and I don't really want to abuse anymore of our friendship.

Its so ironic because my only desire is to see everyone around me succed and be happy but once I see that they are actually happy I feel that my role has ended and I need to just disappear for real.

Just wanted to end it by asking if this feeling is something that has happened to anyone else?

Sorry if some parts dindn't make total sense my english is not the best.

Also thanks to anyone that red it all, thanks for your time.