How I bought 7g of meph and got almost addicted. Need some advices.

Hi everyone,

I'm a man of 24, I've tried quite a few drugs and never had any problems with abuse or addiction. With my girlfriend (let’s call her J.) we sometimes have some chemsex, mainly with mdma (and we don't have sex with it every time, we can just talk for hours) and with 3mmc, before the EU ban. We stopped using it after that because every time we wanted to buy some and have chemsex with it, it was really disappointing and we felt "dirty", it was surely some 3cmc. She was definitely disgusted after our last experience.

In August I bought 7g of 4mmc on the darkweb without asking her, just telling her I was doing it for maybe the one time she would want to try it with me. I bought this batch because it was not that expensive and thought it would last for many sessions. I was really impatient to try it.

When I received it I did one line, then another and was quite disappointed. From memory I think it was about 50mg for a line. I told her about it and she was fine. The day after I thought, "OK, I really want to discover the effects, let's try again". But I knew it was not the best idea, so I decided not to tell her. So I snorted more, maybe six hits in the afternoon, I was high for sure, but it was really not what I expected after everything I had read about meph on the web. The comedown was a bit hard, I had an event in the evening and I was very tired.

The day after that I couldn't resist snorting another line, and I was still pretty disappointed. I didn't really know why I couldn't resist, I'd never experienced such a strong craving before. I didn't tell J., again. In the meantime I got the results from the lab, it was indeed meph, despite my doubts. 97% pure, with a 10% margin of error.

Four days later I told her I really wanted to trip with this new drug, she was still not very hot, so I had a solo session for a whole night. I took more or less 1.7g (I didn't weigh systemically), some oral but mostly insufflated and anal, with some GBL. I finally had the experience I wanted! The next day I was tired but ok. 

I knew I had to take a break, it was a lot of drugs in a short time. The next weekend we went to a party, I think I would have preferred to take nothing but she wanted to so we brought ketamine, I think it was the "wiser" choice. Our friends were doing mdma, the party was really cool until we realised we'd run out of ketamine. She was fine because she was tired and wanted to go home soon, but I was frustrated to see my friends so high while I was 100% sober. So I did mdma too (just 3 days after my solo night...), J. told me it wasn't a good idea and I knew it. Not long after that we went home and when we got there I was still high and wanted to have a good time alone, so my girlfriend left me and went to bed.

Again I couldn't resist. I did meph and gbl all night, I felt so guilty. In the morning I pretended to have stayed awake for maybe 2 or 3 hours after she left me, I was completely lying to her. I think I'd used about half my 4mmc by then. J. did her thing this Sunday, I cancelled mines because of my condition and I decided I couldn't lie any more, I didn't recognize myself in my behavior of the last two weeks. I told her the truth that evening, the times I had taken the meph without telling her (and even lying to her), how intense the craving was, and I asked for her help by simply taking all our drugs into her bedroom to hide them. It was a rather sad moment, she was grateful that I had told her the truth, but still a little disappointed (which I completely understood). A weight had finally been lifted from my shoulders.

I didn't crave again after that. But two weeks later we went partying again (reading this you might think my lifestyle doesn't help much, but I swear we never partied for at least a year before those two). J. has some sleeping problems, so she's pretty tired all the time. Again, she wanted to take some drugs for the night, so I prepared small doses of mdma, one for each of us, to not redrop. Just a two-week break after all the recent events was definitely not enough, but I told myself it was exceptional. I was happy to party that night without abusing.

Just a week later, last Friday, I was craving a lot. Like: A LOT. I didn't understand why, and I still don't. I took some Xanax to calm my thoughts, I took a shower, I did some things to clear my mind, but it was worthless, I couldn't stop thinking about that fucking 4mmc. And the problem was that last week I heard my girlfriend take the drugs out of her stash to let me prepare the mdma. And I didn't realise that I had heard her before this craving, because at that moment I just wanted to take some. J. was out.

I knew where to look, but mentally it was so hard to decide. J. would be so disappointed if I rummaged through his room, if I took drugs again and hid it from her. I never understood so deeply what addicts can experience. I waited for about 1 hour, hoping it would calm down, but it didn't. So I looked for the drug, found it and made this decision: I'll tell her in the evening what I've done and I'll throw the rest away. It sounded like a good compromise.

I wanted to experience a good high, better than I had in my last sessions. So I prepared a 250mg line (yes, that's a lot, and quite frightening to see) and snorted it. My God, it was divine. Less than 1 minute after inhaling, I felt this wave of heat and pleasure coming from my head and spreading throughout my body. It was so fucking good, I can feel my heart beating faster as I think and write about it now. It really was the best rush I've ever experienced (I've never smoked or taken intravenous stimulants so I couldn't know this type of feeling). I snorted another 250-260mg line 45min later and 270mg after another 45min. It was so good, but so fast, damn...

In the evening I did what I had promised myself and told her what I had done in the afternoon. She was surprised and quite relieved that I had decided to throw the rest away. As I didn't want my last trip to be the last, I told her that I had kept some for one last trip, 0.9g.

I used it the day after, still the same fucking high, I can't even describe how good it is. In the end there was only 0.2g left. I took it the day after (yesterday) and it was so disappointing, so frustrating. It's really not enough for the rush I'm looking for now, and even more so because of the tolerance after the last two days.

Now I'm free of it. It's a bit hard to tell myself that this is the end, that I won't experience this again (for now? read the rest). But I know it's for the best, this product is so addictive, my God. However, I need your advice: if I want to use again in the future, what should I do? I tell myself I won't take 4mmc again for at least 6 months, maybe longer. I will also take a break from drugs, I don't think it will hurt me (except maybe psychedelics, because it's not really the same, we'll see).

But if I want to experience it again in 6 months time, should I only buy 1-2g so as not to abuse it? Or do you recommend I just give up the idea and tell myself it's gone forever? Also, I've been unemployed for the last 4 months. Maybe in a better environment I wouldn't have abused as much as I did, and maybe trying again with a better environment, job, situation, etc. will allow me to use this drug more responsibly.

I used to use drugs responsibly and I'd like to think I still can. I feel like I have opened Pandora's box. I think if my story was about dope, you'd tell me "never try again", but do you think it's the same with this drug? I need some external advice, these events are too recent for me and I think it will be clearer in the next weeks/months, but still advice from cathinone users would really help me.

Thank you for your attention!

EDIT: I'd REALLY like to insist on the fact that, before these events, I've never abused anything like that, generally speaking it was md every 3-4 months, ketamine even less often and GBL even less, LSD depending on the period, and at the time 3m was also rather exceptional. Anyway, I really want to underline the fact that I'm not minimising my other uses, that I think I was still responsible, but that this time things really got out of hand.