Gf doesn’t believe I got 🍇

TW: SA, Suicide

I (16M) was raped by my ex (18F)

TLDR; when I was 16, I was held down by my ex girlfriend (18F) and she had sex with me whilst I repeatedly told her I didn’t want it. Some years later, I, (22M) told my current girlfriend (22F) what happened, and she won’t believe me, she blames me for it and has zero empathy.

I am writing this post to vent about the situation, as I never had anyone to talk to about this. I really struggle to open up and I just feel like I have to tell someone…

Also new account + I never use Reddit so I’m sorry if this is the wrong sub, format or whatever

Background Info:

We started dating when I was 13 and she was 16. I was a virgin and super ignorant when it came to sex, she basically “taught” me everything she knew back then. We started having sex the day I turned 14. she used to be very abusive (she used to hit me constantly for basically no reason, and emotionally manipulate me to do whatever she wanted when she wanted). I wasn’t allowed to speak to any other girls or have friends. I tried to break up with her many times, but every SINGLE time she would call me and tell me she would end her life. being so inexperienced and innocent, I believed her every time and never went through with the break up. Eventually she broke up with me for attention (I was freshly 16, she was 18), and that’s when I saw my chance to leave her. I blocked her on everything so she wouldn’t guilt trip me like always and for a month or so, I hadn’t heard from her directly. When I did hear about her, it was from her friends at school who constantly told me how depressed and “suicidal” she was, and how she constantly mentioned how much she loved me and missed me on her social media pages. Eventually after a month or so, my own friend told me how terrible she’s doing, and that I should talk to her to straighten things out and make her feel better. I can’t believe it but I fell AGAIN for the “depressed trap”. I started texting her and just said hi and whatever, and after some begging from her end I decided that I would meet her one last time, make “peace” and then never see her again.

She convinced me to meet her at her house, the morning after she’s had a party and her friends would be there, I thought that sounded pretty safe and I wouldn’t get hit so I agreed. It was nice seeing her again, she was being so nice to me and seemed so much calmer. We started talking about what changed in that month or so we weren’t in contact and I noticed she dyed her hair a bunch of new colours (it was at the back of her head, not visible from the front). I ran my hand through her hair just to look at all the rainbow colours for around 10 seconds maybe?

Eventually I started feeling uncomfortable as she kept trying to come close to me and saying how much she loved me so I said I should go now, my bus was due in a few mins. That’s when she pushed me onto her bed and sat on top of me and demanded that I have sex with her. I tried to push her off but I was lighter and weaker than her, plus the position she held me in was almost impossible for me. Even thought I really didn’t wanna have sex, I was also scared of hurting her, as that would make me just as bad as her. Keep in mind I just turned 16 and she was 18, with a higher body count and more experience. I felt so weak and hopeless and that the only option for me was to let her do what she wanted with me… she finished and I didn’t. I told her I didn’t want to finish, I just wanted to go home. After she was done with me we walked together to the bus stop. At the time, I knew it wasn’t right what she did, but I didn’t think much of it, as she did stuff like this constantly whilst we were together (sometimes involving physical abuse) However, during our walk is when she slipped. She said “it was your fault I did that to you! You touched my hair and it turned me on”. On the bus home I couldn’t stop feeling shame, sadness and embarrassment of what happened and what she said really stuck out to me, she admitted that what she did was wrong. I started researching what happened and came to the conclusion that was rape due to the simple fact I didn’t want to do it and I expressed that, and she held me down until I said whatever. The other times this happened probably fall into sexual assault through the use of coercion (as most times she just made me feel upset until I agreed) even though morally I’ve been taught that it’s rape. This “event” is stuck in my head and I constantly think about it. It has traumatised me.

Now for the recent events:

After years of dating, I (22M) told my current GF (22F) about what happened. She shrugged it off and blamed me for it, saying stuff like: “you should’ve hit her” “women can’t physically overpower men” “if you can get hard, it means you want it so it’s not assault” “you definitely wanted it, you’re lying” and much more. It doesn’t help the fact that my current GF is very sexist and proud… but it hurts so much that she blames me for the whole thing, and acts like I’m lying for attention. She doesn’t seem to understand how young, skinny and innocent I was back then. She won’t hear me, she’s too focused on how rape is a women’s issue, so It’s physically impossible that this happened to me - a boy. She doesn’t care how upset that situation makes me, she’s shows zero empathy and just tells me I’m “wrong”.

Sorry for the stupidly long post, I just had to get all of this out of my chest… thank you so much for reading ❤️❤️

Edit: I fixed some of the ages as I created confusion, apologies.