I deeply, truly regret "saving myself" for marriage.

I feel terrible for saying this, as I love my partner deeply and would never want to have sex with anybody else. Hopefully this makes sense.

I was raised in a religion that views sex as an inherently sacred act and aggressively condemns premarital sex. I was taught that that was a sin comparable to literal murder and that I would be damned to an eternity of misery if I ever went near it. As I grew older, I distanced myself from that religion, but I carried that belief with me.

And so, for my entire life, even after I left the religion, it was extremely important to me to find somebody who also had saved themselves for marriage. I was very strict on not doing much else besides kissing, cuddling, and occasionally making out. If things ever started getting serious, I would bring up the conversation of whether or not they'd ever "broken that rule", and if they'd had ever had sex—or even engaged in sexual activities beyond making out—I wouldn't be able to handle it, and I would cut them off.

That continued into my mid 20's. But as time went on, I couldn't find anybody I liked—either in or out of the religion—who hadn't at least done something with somebody.

And then I learned that's not how life works, and nobody cares about having sex, and I was just a loser who had been tricked into being an insecure, judgmental prude who sucked at sex. And I feel like an absolute fucking idiot.

I realized when I learned that all of my siblings had broken the rule. Then I asked my friends, and they all told me that yeah, they had too back in the day. Even to people in the religion, sure sex is sacred, but slipping up and repenting is somehow the exact same as never having done it at all. AND GET THIS: If someone has sex, then repents, and I can't get over it, apparently I AM THE ONE who has committed the bigger sin for not being able to let it go. And nobody outside of the religion cares—I've been told by SO MANY PEOPLE that "that's just life".

And the part that sucks is that they're absolutely right. Sex is just a thing. It is not inherently sacred. You can have sex for any number of reasons. It can be good, bad, connecting, casual, for money, for pleasure—whatever. And you can be close with somebody and have sex, then change your boundaries and keep them in your life without going there again.

Fast forward to now, and I'm still trying to recover. I have only had sex with one person, but that person has had several of other partners, and some of those people are still in our lives. And I'm still not sure I'll ever be able to get over it. I am incredibly insecure about myself, my body, my performance. I am ridiculously sensitive to any sexual feedback my partner has (even when they suggest we try new things) because my mind immediately flashes to somebody else doing that to them—but better—which only damages our relationship and perpetuates my being bad at it.

I love my partner deeply, and I would never even dream of having sex with somebody else, which is why I feel so horrible about saying that I deeply regret not having had sex like everybody else. It would have been awesome and fun; it would have been intimate and connecting; it would have helped my anxiety and insecurities; and it wouldn't have any long-term consequences on anything—and if it did, it would be somebody else's problem. Literally. I could have had sex with all of those people—and still have the relationship with my partner that I do now.

And one of the worst parts is that it's all my fault, and there's nothing anybody can do about it. I just have to suck it up. The fact that I have a problem with my partner's sexual history is my problem. The fact that I chose to never do anything was my own fault. And I guess the fact that I can't get over it makes me worse than anybody who broke the rule in the first place. All of the stress, anxiety, failed relationships... it's all my own fucking fault. I get absolutely nothing out of this.