How to move on with your partner?

Going onto 3 years with my PA (29m) and I (25f) am struggling so hard with trying to forget and move forward.

Every time he compliments me (which is sometimes rare, he says it’s hard for him to compliment, even though on many instances he’s talked about other women’s looks with me) I feel so angry, and his compliment seems so disingenuous. I just immediately think back to the women in his search history and I feel so angry.

Any time an attractive woman is on tv or in public I’m hyper focused on him and his eyes to see if he’s watching her. I’ve started oversexualizing women and questioning my sexuality sometimes because of it. But at the same time I’ve become a woman hater, I can’t stand to see what he truly wants, I don’t want to feel this way anymore. He doesn’t hold my hand in public or show any affection physically, after telling him it is my love language many times.

We are best friends but the romance area is lacking, he has admitted to me that he takes me for granted and that I don’t deserve that. So for a week he’ll be wonderful.

It’s been 2 months since our last d day and I know he has committed to stop looking for real, but my REAL question is how can I start to let go and move on with him? I love him dearly and we both want to be with each other forever, but how can I move forward? We could be having a wonderful day and 1 second later I am so upset because something triggered me and reminded me of what he’s done to me. I feel like I’m drowning, his PA never leaves my mind and I’m so tired.

Does anyone have any advice? To preface we are in an extremely difficult financial situation, so therapy is not an option at the time unfortunately.

Thank you everyone