Almost ended my life today

It’s still so surreal. I’ve been battling suicidal ideations for months fueled largely by his addiction and lies. But today we had another d day. I found out he relapsed and has been fully PMOing for the last month despite being in a 12 step program/SAA. Despite podcasts and research and journaling. Despite FANOS check ins. He had to wrestle the gun out of my hands. I don’t want to live like this any more.