feel so disgusting

(slight TW talk about weight) im at the point where im just resentful. i feel ugly and unwanted and its finally gotten to a point where i cant just push my feelings aside. im not 100% if he is a PA but i have suspicions. its only been brought up once and it wasnt the main conversation so it got glanced over. i feel like i have a different take than most people here and im sorry if this is triggering, but i dont care if hes watching it, JOing alone, whatever,, its the fact for me he would rather watch that than be with me. and just how MUCH there is… and how none of them look like me. its honestly triggered my eating disorder again with just how ugly i feel. maybe if i was thinner he’d put down his porn and come be with me. and i know talking with him about it wont help because itll be me attacking him or making him feel bad about himself. i just dont know what to do. i cant have this bottled up anymore