Grieving something that never existed

It’s been almost two weeks since I caught my PA boyfriend messaging other women on OF and Playboy (Playboy has an OF-like platform too, who knew?) soliciting who knows what. Watching porn. Seeking out OFs of women we know in real life that I’ve questioned him about. Joining swingers forums in the city we live in. Lying, lying, lying.

This is the man I thought I was going to marry. I had genuinely shut down all outside thoughts and was ready to begin the rest of my life. Everything was great, besides that we weren’t having sex. The reasons kept changing - first it was my past that upset him, then he was too tired, then he was depressed.

Lying the entire time. Choosing porn over me. I thought our relationship was perfect because of how “honest” we were with each other. The honesty was one sided. It never existed. The relationship I thought I was in wasn’t real.

He has restructured his entire life around recovery, but if I’m going to be honest, I don’t think I’m in love with him anymore. My trust was violated. I’ve been gaslit for so long. I feel like I don’t even recognize him when I look at him.

I barely know the man I had begun planning an engagement timeline with.

Does this go away? Is there hope? I’m 25.