Am I being controlling?

Looking for advice on how to handle PAs "recovery". He's been attending PAA and SLAA meetings, and I truly believe he uses the meetings for external validation. For example, I've seen some messages from his after meetings where he and other members are complaining about their wives/girlfriends being horrible to them and they don't feel they deserve it.

Our original dday was almost a year ago, and after that I did more digging and found out he had been lying to me our entire relationship of 14 years about anything and everything. I also discovered from the beginning he would trash talk me to anyone that would listen (mainly coworkers, male and female) Of course he would make me out to be a monster while completely leaving out what he did. It was extremely hurtful and further shattered my trust. Shortly after that, he started a new job and we discussed how bashing me to coworkers is not only extremely unprofessional (he's a supervisor) but violates our relationship, my privacy and is disrespectful. He agreed. I later found out he continued to trash talk me to his new coworkers, this time mainly a female coworker, even asking her for divorce advice. So again, smashed more salt in the wound.

I don't know why he's with me. His actions and behaviors behind my back make me believe he truly hates me, yet he acts like the complete opposite to my face. He begs me to stay and work things out and makes this big production of how I'm all he's ever wanted. Yet when things don't go his way, he literally will give me an ultimatum that I either back down or he's filing for divorce. (He loves to hold money over my head since I'm a stay at home mom and I have no where to go)

He recently found a new sponsor, and I believe he's playing the victim card hard with him. He has weaponized therapy in the past where he will say all the right things and win the therapist over so that instead of focusing on his pathological lying and addictions, I become the focus based on my reactions to being psychologically and emotionally abused. I'm somehow the villain. His new sponsor is reinforcing boundaries with him and trying to help him "stand up for himself" which in turns means if I express my concerns or say his behavior is upsetting or anything that he interprets as negative than I'm being controlling and I need to deal with it and respect his boundaries. I don't believe he's being honest with his sponsor.

He will go out of his way to make sure his phone calls happen out of the house so there's no way I could know what's being said. I understand privacy, but just with his past history, his defensiveness and acting secretive my spidey senses have been going off.

I understand everyone deserves privacy and to uphold healthy boundaries for themselves. I just feel like he's not taking true accountability and is looking for people to reaffirm his own lies so that he doesn't have to change anything.

It's triggering for me. I obviously can't control his actions. I've told him all of this makes me feel unsafe and I won't move forward on working on our relationship like this. Which brings us back to an ultimatum. I don't want a divorce either because I don't want to lose time with my kids and I know he will make the divorce process hell and will continue to find ways to make my life hell after with co-parenting.

He loves to call me controlling, yet I feel like he's the one ultimately in control.