How to handle the rage?

Please, if you have come up with something that works, share it here. I feel absolutely wrecked this week by his absurd lying, blameshifting, poor confused innocent mope act, the whole thing, and overhearing more of it tonight during one of his phone calls. My stomach is churning and in knots, my shoulders feel like one huge slab of rock, my heart is aching, my chest feels like white hot fire. I feel utterly alone and hopeless, I want to forget he ever existed but I also want him to magically be the person he said he was for all these years. If I have to hear him lie and deny why can't I also hear him take accountability for it? Why do I have to hear him smear me to everyone he talks to like he's this innocent bumbling oaf whose wife is angry for no reason, and not because of his absurd kneejerk lying? The weeks of swearing he's incapable of lying? Followed by this??? I don't know if I want to cry, hit him, hug him, or scream like an absolute guttural animal that I hate his guts. I want to fight and scream, nothing helps, nothing is changing, nothing comes out of his mouth that I am thankful to hear. Nothing. I don't know how I am supposed to just live with his total denial and lies while he "works on recovery" and is incapable of being real for an indefinite period of time. Like he gets this free pass FOREVER and on top of that I am on the receiving end of him always downplaying the lies and denial and blameshifting. I feel like I'm going insane.