I finally get it. I finally understand. He doesn't love me. He wants to destroy me.

I have been married 10 years. And since before we were married I found evidence of him sexting. 1 year into marriage, proof. Since then there has been countless micro ddays. Something doesn't add up. A lie here. A lie there.

In 2021, pretty solid evidence of an affair. He denied. 6 months later. He admitted. Then denied. Vehemently. To the point that I questioned my sanity. I cried. I thought it was me. The incident, admission was incredibly weird. To the point that it was kind of unbelievable. I wondered if he did it to make me seem crazy. But I thought he wouldn't do that...

Fast foward to last year. He knew he was being investigated. He essentially made it so I had to confront his sudden new outrageous porn addiction. Which I suspected was a red herring.

I felt like a lunatic to my therapist saying "oh no I don't think he really has a porn addiction despite evidence showing he is using at work and driving and spending hours a day". But I told them anyway.

Last year I was leaving. He begged me to stay. Threatened s3lf harm. I mean he had details. He called the funeral home. But he wasn't putting in any work. He wouldn't tell his therapist the truth. I told him if he was going to self harm to get his VA disability to 100% first. He refused. Called me greedy (that was a sign I missed). Then he was suddenly overly interested in me pursuing my degree so "I'll be set up after" (another sign). This actually puts him in a position for less child and financial support.

Then not long after he was doing these weirdly random nice things for me. All conviently around places I had evidence hidden.

He did the bare minimum for recovery. The bare minimum. Then I tested positive for an STI.

NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON WARNED ME. That he could use it against me. Not one single person told me that it would be plastered all through the divorce stuff. Not one single person told me it affects what he pays me. Not one single person told me, he will just deny it.

His test, it was negative.

And this week. I learned his moves. He threatened suicide because that was the ONLY way to keep me around. It was the only way he could get me off gaurd to get me to access my hiding spots.

He hates me. In his determination to protect him a d his affair partner(s), he has destroyed me. He knows how much this hurts me. He wants me to hurt. He has enjoyed it.