30 F - feel lost and floating through life.
Hi. F 30 here. Went to a psychiatrist in July 2024 and diagnosed with depression. Now I don't go there again since I can no longer afford it and no improvement with the doctor whatsoever.
Long story short, in October 2024 I got laid off from a company wherein I really wanted to work in for a long time (because of their WFA policy) and at that point my depression got super super bad to the point I didn't want to eat and bed rot. I have stopped my workout routine ever since. In December 2024 mentally I feel much lighter - I start getting by again, slowly eating again, my mood is still pretty much stagnant and I have yet to start working out again, slowly meeting my friends offline again, slowly jobseeking again. But I still find comfort in isolation or just surrounded by loved ones.
Right now I feel so lost, I don't know what to do. I choose to float through life because I don't have much motivation to start basically hard stuff. Upskilling, working from office, etc. And also I live with my mom in the house so I don't want to leave her in the house alone (at least until I get married that I don't know when). So I hope I can secure a full remote job, non-taxing and non-technical jobs, and paid enough only to get by. And the job market currently don't offer me the job I truly want. I don't wanna work in banks. leasing companies, and whatnot.
The problem is just I haven't landed on any interviews and my parents start pushing me to apply jobs that I don't want, and I'm getting stressed out and lost again. My intrusive thoughts are getting more intense and worse too... those thoughts insinuate me to hurt them physically especially when they're getting on my nerves. I don't know what kind of jobs I really need, I aim for data entry / admin kind of remote jobs so that I can ease my way through depression at least, eventhough my experiences are in risk & fraud management. I don't even know what kind of life I wanna lead, seems to me in 30 I'm slowly resigning from life.
Any advice from redditors here?