I wish I never left Islam

I recently became ex Muslim and I wish I never did! I hate it so much, it is so lonely and hard! It is not freeing at all! If anything I feel more claustrophobic!

It is Ramadan and I feel alienated from my family. I don’t have any other holidays to celebrate and even if I did I would be alone! My friends who accepted me at first now seem to be annoyed at me! And I am constantly afraid to insult their beloved religion!

The non muslim people will never understand me! Culturaly we are so different and when I tell them I left islam I can see the excitement in their eyes like they found the next ayan hirsi to do their dirty work for them only for me to end up dead somewhere!

I tried to find ex muslim communities, I went to different groups on discord but it all felt weird! People are anonymous and you know what being anonymous does to humans! Even if they where not most of the time they are in a whole different continent and it is so hard to build reall friendships like that!

And irl non of us have the guts to be openly ex Muslims the few that do are crucified!

I’m a creative and I tried to put my feelings in my work! Recently I wrote a screenplay about an ex Muslim girl and her story but I felt fear creeping!

I thought maybe if I see other people who have done it I will get the courage! But I can’t find a single movie ( not a documentary) just a fictional story about just that! Most of them are like the series elite some Muslim girl who leaves Islam for a guy! And it is very shallow! Or it is just about liberal Muslim struggling with their parents!

I feel like I will never be free from islam, it will always rob me the joy of life! And at least when I was Muslim I was content with that!

Let me clarify! I CANT and WONT GO BACK TO ISLAM! I hate that religion so much now I have seen to much! I’m just sad over the reality on the other side!