This is my last effort

There was a specific moment years ago that I told myself I should kill myself. I stupidly held onto the hope that things would get better, and decided not to.

It's been 7 years. I should've just done it. I'm 27 now and things never got better. And if things don't improve by the time I'm 29 3/4, I'm ending things. I'm not turning 30 having never experienced true happiness. Every bit of happiness I've experienced for the past 7 years has been from pure strength. Finding the good in the bad, being grateful for things, looking at the positive side, but it all just feels...artificial. It's not true happiness. It's just me trying to be happy when I'm not.

This is it. The final push. I've learned to cut back on substances that have been holding me back. I've been more disciplined in the gym than I've ever been. I'm dieting. I'm building my knowledge in my field so I can become more valuable. I'm trying to be more sociable. If none of this works I'm giving up.