At the end of my rope

My son is 2.5 years old and for most of his life, he and I have been couch surfing with different friends and relatives in different states while my husband tries out different jobs across the country. He has held 10-15 jobs in the past two years and is about to get another new job. We have gone up to ten months without seeing him, and have not shared a home with him from November of 2022 up until a few months ago, when we moved into a camping trailer. My husband has never financially supported our son. He may provide a meal or some clothes or a toy here and there, but nothing with consistency. Depending on his job, he either says that he doesn’t get paid enough and demands money from me, or he brags about the amount of money he is making while insisting that I help fund his working lifestyle. “Give me your debit card; I have to go to work today, you’re just sitting around the house with a baby” is a frequent direct quote from him.

I had been working full time and making things work on one income for the past 6 months due to a friend giving us an amazing deal on rent, and generous state assistance with daycare. However, we had to move away from that state and that’s why I now find myself living in a camping trailer with my husband and son. My husband refused to install a toilet or hook up running water for about 3 weeks until his family insisted that he do so a few days ago, so up until recently we were having to use the bathroom outside for the most part.

This is in an area with few job opportunities and child care. Of course my husband immediately found a few jobs and is on his third job of the past two months. But he constantly asks for money from me despite me not being able to find a job yet. I am supporting myself and my son completely on my savings and once that runs out, I’m not sure what will happen to us…bankruptcy? On top of that, my husband shits on me constantly for not working, as if it is my choice. I am looking for work and likely have a job offer which would start next week, but that depends on me finding childcare, which will also probably consume most of my pay anyways.

Every single interaction with my husband ends in an argument. He truly hates me, I believe. He yells at me for the smallest things, lies to me and about me, and lets his dog damage my and our son’s belongings without even an apology. His dog is not house trained, does not have a collar or leash, let alone vaccinations, and he makes the (50 lb) dog sit outside in a wire kennel/cage for 12+ hours a day so it simply goes crazy when it is let inside.

My husband has knowingly given me multiple STDs and cheats on me constantly, whether emotionally or physically, including with a 65 year old woman (I am 26 and he is 27). He becomes angry when I put on makeup or dress up, which are basically the only things that make me feel a little happier or better about myself. He says that doing so is a waste of time because I am a mom. He spends most of his money by payday on guns, gun accessories, and other fun purchases, leaving me to pay for his gas and food for the rest of the week. Then he says he is supporting his family while I sit around at home.

My nervous system is fried. The smallest thing can set me off. I cry my eyes out almost every day. The worst part is that I am becoming a horrible mother. I am so sad and angry all the time, and I have literal panic attacks almost every day even if my son is awake because I simply can’t take it anymore. My son is so sweet and perfect and I feel like a monster for bringing him into this situation. When I got pregnant, I told my husband he didn’t have to have anything to do with me or our son, but he insisted we get married. He even lied to me to get me to marry him.

I want to go to nursing school so I could finally support myself and my son without having to bring him into uncomfortable situations. But I have no idea how to go to nursing school when I have so many bills and would have to work full time while in school. It would be different if I wanted to do something that could be done with an online degree, because then I could just do my schoolwork at night. I just don’t know how to make anything work.

At this point I am genuinely considering ending everything. I have nowhere else to go besides living in my car, which I cannot do with a child. (I would happily do so if I did not have a child, at this point.) I am so unhappy and I cannot hold it together any longer. If I thought I could still be a good mom, I would fight to stay here, but I truly believe I am holding my son back. If I were gone maybe my husband would step up and support him more, and my husband makes a lot of money so he would have more. If I were gone my son wouldn’t have to deal with my mental breakdowns and crying every day. I have tried to keep it under control but I just can’t. I think I would need therapy or meds or something but I don’t have health insurance. I started making a real plan for what I need to do. I don’t know what else there is for me but I have failed as a mother and it’s best if I get out of my son’s way.

The thing is, too, that I still feel my husband’s anger towards me is my fault. Like if I could just be a little kinder or more loving, he would be happy and want to be more involved. I still love him after everything he’s done to us. Wtf.