I feel like my life has stolen the joy of motherhood

My son will be two in a couple of weeks and I cannot bring myself to plan his party. Last year, literally AS I was throwing his perfectly curated, all homemade “My First Rodeo” party, I was also leaving my husband who had fallen into the depths of alcoholism. Like, I left him, went home to my parents, but then went back two days later to throw the party and pack my things and leave for good. It was that simultaneous. Up until then, I was about as close to the perfect mom as you can be. And I fucking loved every moment of it. And I loved being a wife, during the happy moments.

Leaving my husband was devastating. I watched him continue to crumble from afar while trying to start a new life for my son and I. I was living with my parents, rebuilding. I was struggling but trying and having moments of joy. 3 days before my son turned 18 months old, my ex (by then) husband committed suicide. This was horrific. I loved him very much still, and always hoped he would find sobriety and his way back to us.

When my husband died, I became responsible for the mortgage on the home we had been trying to sell. I was a stay at home mom after my son was born, and lived on the money he sent for child support while living with my parents when we separated. I moved back into our home. I’ve been back for about a month, I went back to work, I put my son in daycare.

I’m angry all the time. I resent my son, my sweet angel baby boy, because I feel like I have no space to grieve. I dissociate all day. My son has no father, HE NEEDS ME TO DO BETTER. But instead it’s like mommy died too. I just put the tv on way too much and cry all the time and snap at him for the littlest things. I’ve even screamed at him now, I never ever used to even come close. I’m so fucking angry, all I wanted was to be a wife and mother, and I got it, and in a year I watched it all slip through my fingers, and now I’m too weak to even sustain the pieces that are left. And one day I have to explain all of this to my son who will certainly hate me, because I’ll have been a short and angry mother his entire life.

I don’t know what I’m looking for. I’m just drowning.