How long do I stay in an emotionally unfulfilling marriage?

I’ll try my best to make my long story short.

Over a year ago my (33F) husband (37M, together 14 years and married for 9) admitted he’d not been sexually attracted to me since I gained weight in the first year together.

It was a total shock because I’d been so open to him about it - asking him if it bothered him, asking him if he loved my body, and he ALWAYS reassured me.

He maintained for a few weeks that he felt like he’d just taken the path of least resistance (marrying me) and wondered what it was like to be with other people (he specifically mentioned model types).

We go through therapy together and individually. Couples therapy was trash, she wants interested in our problems at all and just had a print out she read from and asked us questions about communication.

Individually I’ve been in and out and he’s been in and out. But he always says he doesn’t know what to talk about.

A few months later he says he thinks he’s depressed and just going through a mid life crisis. Okay, I get it. I forgive it. But I’ve also been really clear that there’s a lot of repair that needs to happen -

I’ve been feeling emotionally closed off from him for a long ass time. I’ve been forward about it. Ive been telling him I need reassurance that he loves me, wanted this, wanted me, continues to want this. He shuts down when I’m depressed and totally goes dark.

Okay, you’re depressed, fine. Me too. But I can’t keep getting buried by you and your depression and expected to dig myself out while you need all the grace in the world to go through what you’re going through.

The more I ask for reassurance the more he disappears. He’s here, he’s active in the family role, a great roommate, does a lot of things without me asking. But for the life of him, for whatever reason, he cannot think to ever tell me that I’m important to him, that he loves me the way I am, etc.

It’s been over a year of this. He expects that because things have gone back to normal, that we should be back to normal - but normal makes my skin crawl cause what is normal to him is a huge LIE to me. I cannot get those cruel admissions out of my head and when things are “normal” it feels like he’s still hiding secret, judgemental and critical thoughts about me.

He says he does say nice things but I scoff. I can’t understand why he thinks he can shatter my heart and think that I’m going to believe him when he says one nice thing??? After admitting he’s been lying to me for years????? Doesn’t it make more sense that you’re going to have say it until I believe you again??? The source of the distrust that exists in our relationship is that his reassurance was always a LIE.

I’m struggling with this. I hate myself for begging for SCRAPS of words of affirmation or reassurance, handing him the script to make me feel better, a script he just has no interest in using. But if he is depressed, am I burying HIM? Do I just take the L? Do I let him fill his cup so to speak while my broken one continues to pour???

I feel like I forgive him but I’m just still.. insecure. He does nothing to make me feel safe except what he’s always done, which was a lie.

Help me, BroMos. And give it to me straight, please. Am I being selfish by expecting him to help repair what he broke while he’s depressed, or should I wait and let him feel better? I worry this is his trying to postpone any accountability for the totally cold way he’s been treating me.

And it’s worth saying - he DOES romantic things. He is very caring with his behaviour. It just feels like how he’d care for his mom, with the exception of the once in a while romance.

Am I shut down? Am I blind to his attempts at repair?

Thanks moms.