Talking about black excellence (through a rant)

So I’ve been having this problem and it’s been eating me up. I have this classmate, he’s a white guy and frankly very smart. We used to be friends back in the beginning of high school, even went on a school trip together, but let’s just say he wasn’t the kindest towards me and we parted ways for a while.

Now, I’m seeing him again in my class and I feel like I have unrequited beef rn. Remember how’s he’s really smart? Well, he’s also really good at Spanish. And gets good grades without even taking the notes down or studying. And can pull.

See, my Spanish is the equivalent of a Spanish toddler. And it’s not the that I don’t try, I’ve been learning it for 6 years, but I just SUCK at speaking. And my grades? I have a 3.91 GPA (it dropped bc AP euro is kicking my ass) and decent grades but I have to WORK for it. Study all day and all night, even learning materials B as EFORE the trimester starts, and I usually get a B if I’m lucky. AND I DONT PULL!! (I know this doesn’t matter as much but STILL.)

it just feels like I’m always right behind. Right now, it feels like everything in my life is falling part, I’m realizing some of my friends didn’t have my best intentions at heart, I lost a close relative, and everything is just going downhill. It just doesn’t feel fair that this guy could treat me like shit and have life work out perfectly for him. although he did apologize recently (3 years late ngl).

I titled this with black excellence because sometimes it feels like black excellence means being better than the white guy and if you’re not you suck. You always gotta look pretty. You always gotta be ready. You always have to be smart, never lash out, all that’s stuff. It’s getting hard to keep up. And it’s my own black relatives that push this on me. I didn’t know if this was considered just a vent or a racism vent bc he wasn’t being deliberately racist or anything. This is more just about feeling the need to amount to something more. Does anyone else get this? Have a good day/ night!! And stay safe :)

God I’m PRAYING he doesn’t find this😔💀