39+4 loss due to cord accident

February 18 was the worst day of my life. I found out at a regularly scheduled prenatal appointment that my baby girl had no heartbeat at 39 weeks and 4 days. I had felt her move that morning and by the time I was at my appointment a few hours later, she was gone.

I had 3 prior losses before her. An ectopic treated with medication, a chemical pregnancy, and an ectopic treated with removal of my tube.

I was in the process of starting IVF when I found out I was pregnant with her and that I had ovulated from my tubeless side and my other tube had picked up the egg. She was my miracle.

I have never felt grief so crushing in my life. I feel that I am mourning both my daughter and my future fertility. I have very little hope that I will be pregnant again, and even if I do that baby wont be her.

I wish more than anything that I could turn back time just once in my life so I could give birth to her just hours earlier and save her. I don’t know how I will ever walk with this pain.