YSK about psychological distancing - a way to self-reflect that allows you to separate self from situation and avoid getting stuck in negative thought spirals

Why YSK: So that during emotional moments you can have a simple, evidence-based tool to get clarity and control of yourself, instead of getting into negative thought loops.

I learned this from psychologist Ethan Kross’s book Chatter, in which he describes two ways to self-reflect - one helps, the other (what we usually do) makes things worse.

The harmful kind of self-reflection is where you relive an upsetting situation over and over again. This only reinforces the emotional damage of that event and puts you in victim mode.

The effective way to self-reflect is called psychological distancing and it means separating self from situation - i.e. to step aside and see things from a more distant and objective perspective. This turns you into an observer and allows you to gain clarity and closure, to learn and move on.

It’s a really versatile method that has helped me in all sorts of situations. Here’s one way to do it:

Call to mind a situation that’s left you feeling upset or bothered for some reason. Get a picture of it in your mind’s eye. Then, take a step back from it and imagine you’re looking at the situation from some distance, as if it’s a movie about another person. And as you look at what’s happening, pay attention to how this past/distant you is reacting to things, what they’re thinking and feeling – and why.

This puts you in a more analytical, objective frame of mind and that shift has helped me get closure and move on from events I’ve been stuck on for some time. I’ve also tried it with ongoing challenges and it’s worked equally well to help me keep a more rational perspective and avoid getting bogged down in my emotions, and a few times it’s allowed me to avoid conflicts with people close to me.

Hope it’s useful to you as well and if you try it, I’d love to know how it works out for you.