I don’t wanna do this without them

I don’t wanna live without her around. Every moment of my life has revolved around her one way or another.

I can get over her leaving me some days- but I feel like I would’ve been better off if she had unalived herself but she ghosted me after 10 long years together. We went through so much and so many of my interest and favorite things revolved around her at least once in that time.

I get reminded she still exist, I still have access to her and I’m left wondering why?

Why hasn’t she at least blocked me yet? When we were talking, they never hesitated to block me when they got angry or even slightly annoyed with me. But after telling their boyfriend she wants nothing to do with me, she continues to give me access to her. I don’t get it.

There are some days when it’s easy. When I don’t feel like life is meaningless. But today- I checked her profile and I went spiraling. I tell myself I don’t care- we’ve went months without talking before- this shouldn’t be new to me but the difference then is if I texted them, they’d answer me immediately. I didn’t have to see that it was seen and blatantly ignored.

Is this happening just to hurt me for some reason? Did I do something wrong? Is it our situation? I’d do anything to have her back in my life. I’d drop all my friends. I’d cut everyone off. It could just be me and her against the world just like when we were kids. Back when we stuck with our abusive family. I’m desperate for a chance to be back with her. I’d go through everything we went through over and over again.

But- at the same time- I know if she ever came back- the fact that she left in the first place already broke my view of her. I’d start pulling away from her even more. Is it even worth it for her to be back? Is it better for her to come back and I hate her for leaving until it breaks me and I leave her? Or is it better for me to constantly question why she left and beg the universe for her back until it runs me dry?