My absolutely raw unedited experience tonight at 2 am

I know most people won’t read this but this is my raw unedited no filter vent at 2 in the morning 2 weeks away from starting university:

Something about graduating high school left a huge gap in me. Every summer I feel hopeful for the next year but ever since this summer started my motivation, and hope has taken a sharp turn downwards.

There’s this weird pseudo achy feeling in my throat and chest. I used high school and grades as a way to run away from my depression and now it’s all returned full force. It’s just lonely. I can’t do anything the entire day worthwhile there’s no point in pursuing my hobbies in art just lay there in bed thinking of just giving up.

I’ve never thought I’d miss my childhood or anything but I really do miss being a high schooler and not having to worry about how daunting life is. Even worse when you’re all alone with nobody around you. I guess that’s a lie since I do have friends but I feel isolated from them.

This is embarrassing to admit hence the alt account but I made an original character that I draw a lot that embodies everything I’ve been experiencing the past 2 months and have hyperfixated on it. It’s like when I’m not drawing it or something it’s abandoning me and I’ll once again be lonely. It’s a fake stand in for what a relationship should be instead only I can draw it.

Every nights the same routine: draw, workout, lay in bed thinking about that aforementioned terrible achy feeling.

I feel like a part of me died. The pain is physical but the injury is emotional. I need to see a therapist but the best they’ll do is slap a medicine bottle on my desk and barely listen to the underlying issues in my life. I have no hope for the future. Everyone told me I’d be happier getting into a good school for engineering and I did but now what? I’m a lonely, crying, mess .

I considered plastic surgery but what’s the point. The monotonous life is most likely my near future — alone, struggling, and forced to leave my passions for art to pursue a career I don’t care about. There’s only so much you can do to forge a fake relationship or lie to yourself by befriending people who’ll never talk to you again in a week. I just wish life would pass by quicker why prolong the inevitable considering nobody would really care about it anyways.