I wish, I'm sorry, and I wish

I'm an utter fool, crushing on an internet personality that I know nothing about, who conversely wouldn't care one bit if I exist or not.

Six months since I fell for her, five months since I had to lock myself out. I know the longer I stay away, the easier it gets, but for now things are painfully okay. Some days are better. Some days are worse. Right now it's been leaning towards worse. That's why I need to post to the void.

I keep telling myself it's not real, to move on. I know the truth, why can't I accept it?

Screw parasocial relationships. Screw the "connections" we make online with people we don't and will never know for real.

I was addicted to her craft, and then I was addicted to her, and then it became and entirely new addiction. I've been running ever since. I've tried, I'm trying, so hard to move on. The distractions are running thin. I keep getting triggered. I still wake up depressed every morning. I went through the stages of grief over and over, and still I sit in limbo, with no way out in sight. They say a crush can last over a year, but I know that if I keep waiting for that time to expire, it'll take even longer.

I wish I could go back. Back to before I learned more about her. Back to before I started to see her for more than just a voice I liked to listen to. Back to being just a fan, and nothing more.

I wish I'd never started watching her livestreams, and discovered all the things that painted her as perfect for me. She's not.

I wish I'd never deluded myself into thinking that this was love, and convinced myself I was even remotely ready to look for a relationship. I'm not.

I wish I could Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind myself and forget about her, even if this was an act of fate.

I wish I never knew these emotions I didn't ask for. "Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all?" Well, luckily I don't get either...

I wish I could go back to being that naive idiot who'd never been smitten before. I didn't deserve to feel that high.

I wish I could go back to enjoying her work without this stupid infatuation. I'm so afraid that may never become possible now.

I wish I never spent hours and hours on a petty project to offer up as a gift that I didn't even finish.

I wish I didn't have to remand myself whenever she creeps into my thoughts.

I wish all of those love songs didn't begin to make sense to me.

I wish I could actually confide the whole story to someone in-person, but it's too embarrassing and painful to admit.

I wish I knew how to finally reject myself because I know she'll never do it for me.

But, most of all; I wish I could forgive myself.

I'm sorry I couldn't just be another number in the viewer count.

I'm sorry I wrote and sent those other stupid letters like a lovesick puppy.

I'm sorry I wrote that script in attempt to show them a part of my life, muddying my own memories.

I'm sorry I thought I had a chance, when I knew the odds and dangers from the start.

I'm sorry I've gotten bitter when I promised I wouldn't .

But, most of all; I'm sorry I didn't follow through on my promise to use this as fuel to better myself. I can't even tell if things are getting better or worse anymore.

I wish I knew how to just put an end to this.