Conversation about sex i just had with my husband of 12 years
Update: thank you for all of the kind and supportive words. I talked to him today and explained how I felt manipulated and pressured by him during sex and that I inwardly cringe when he tries to initiate. I also told him that our two options were either therapy or divorce, and he agreed that therapy is our best option to help work through this. I also told him it might come down to he has to withhold from initiating sex and wait until I choose to initiate, and he said it doesn't matter how long that will take, he'll wait until I'm ready. Sex is such a massive part of every relationship, but there's so much I adore about him and our life that I can't just completely write him off and leave. So, we have an appointment on Sunday with a PhD psychologist who specializes in sex therapy to start the healing process. I'm not sure I would have had the guts to have this conversation with him if I didn't make this post or read the amazing comments from this community, so thank you. Here's to hoping we can both grow together from this 🤞
Original Post: I (33f) have always had a low sex drive with my husband (31m) for the last 12 years we've been together (totaly of 15 years). When we first got together, we had sex just about every day, but then a lot of shit happened in our lives to where I got insanely depressed and stopped wanting sex completely. For YEARS, I'm talking like 10 years minimum, there would be no foreplay and he would just stick it in while I was dry, which hurt like a fucking bitch afterwards. I thought it was normal and was just a me problem until I read a post on here that said if it feels like paper cuts when you pee after sex, it was due to micro tears from not be lubricated/wet enough.
I told him that for years it felt like I just had sex with him to get him off, and there was never any consideration for me. I didn't even orgasm 95% of the time and either just finished myself off or just moved on with my day. He cried and said it was like he raped me for almost a decade. I calmed him down and said neither of us knew better and that I didn't speak up.
As you can imagine, this has been a MAJOR point of contention in our otherwise very happy marriage, but tonight he brought it up AGAIN for the millionth fucking time about how we don't have enough sex.
He recently had a surgery that prevents him from having sex for 6 weeks, and I thought I was finally going to get a break. But no, he's been pestering me consistently about helping me masturbate or doing it for me despite me saying I don't want to. This is how our conversation went tonight:
he said us not having sex made him feel unattractive, which is why he stopped working out and started eating junk food. I pointed out that he just said his self worth was dictated by how much sex I had with him, and he got defensive by saying "if that's all that you got from that, then idk what else to say."
he said when he was a kid, he always thought of marriage as lusting after your spouse.
he said my lack of masturbating was like me needing to pay for a personal trainer at the gym in order for me to go (I recently paid for a trainer to increase my motivation to go to the gym by turning it into a habit). He saw it as a form of self care even though I don't and said I just need to do it (masturbate). The issue I'm having with that is he insists on joining every time, which makes it so I never want to do it.
spent 4 straight days pressuring me to masturbate saying he'd use the vibrator on me.
I suggested sex therapy, said he doesn't need it because he's the one who wants to have sex and that he's tried everything I've wanted such as getting toys, vibrators, and eating me out (four times in the last year) and that I'm the one who needs it, but he'll go anyways.
has repeatedly said throughout our relationship that "he doesn't want to be one of those couples who only has sex once or twice a month."
To be fair, I now get off most of the time we do have sex but only because I use the vibrator, which is great! There is still no foreplay whatsoever. It's always he gets turned on and wants to fuck, so we do until he's done or I "O" using the vibrator.
At this point, everything to do with sex is so completely aversive to me and I want absolutely nothing to do with it. I just feel like a fucking failure because I can't stand having sex anymore, and it's impacting our marriage. I absolutely love this man with every fiber of my being, but I just cannot move past this. I'm just getting this off my chest because I have no one to talk to about it.