In my feels.

This community has made me feel so seen and validated so much of my anger, confusion, sadness, pain, and longing for a baby.

Tonight is a particularly painful and lonely night and I just need to vent and cry to those who actually understand. My best friend of 18 years just told me that she is 12 weeks. We’ve confided in each other about our TTC journey and I am 8 cycles ahead of her in trying (14 cycles total). We have talked so many times about looking forward to being pregnant at the same time, being new moms together, being on maternity leave around the same time, etc. and now that it’s finally happened for her I am finding myself so distraught and disappointed in the midst of being so happy for her.

I’m also currently in a stupid fight with my partner and feel distant from him which is just magnifying my emotions. I am supposed to be in my window tomorrow and just feel so far away from wanting to even try anymore. I know this is a temporary feeling and it will pass, but why does it have to feel so fucking awful in the moment. My partner is not good at empathizing and consoling me when I feel these low points and it’s getting so frustrating. I don’t know how to express myself about this specifically without coming across as overly emotional and negative.

Feeling the effects of infertility on top of all the other life moments, stressors, and changes is overwhelming me. It’s just so hard and I know so many in here feel it too. I see you and I’m so sorry.