ADHD, trans and age.

I think I'm trans. I'm pretty sure... I think...

I'm 44, a bit of a thick man, not feminine at all.

I got diagnosed with ADHD a couple of years ago. Had never even considered being trans before. I'm married, have a child. A while after the diagnosis though, I ended up thinking about it. Just started happening, like the medication unlocked something.

I picked up some women's clothing, felt good in it. I didn't look good tho. Ridiculous, if anything. Don't know much about make up, not really a sense of style. But wearing it just felt right.

Thinking about it become more frequent. Started a job where I could work from home some times. On those days I like to dress up.

The thing is, I can look at my body while dressed and be ok, if anything I have decent legs and a decent butt, but I can't deal with my face. It's not feminine at all. It feels ridiculous.

Then there's the amount of work involved in feminizing everything. The amount of appointments I've booked and canceled to get waxed... Learning how to do make up... Ordering and returning clothes, learning new sizes. The idea of starting hormone therapy, taking me into my late 40s before maybe considering surgery... The idea of even talking to my doctor about it. The idea of coming out to anyone about it...And just life being so busy... My ADHD isn't dealing well with what seems to be an overwhelming amount of work and uncertainty.

Then there's my wife. I don't think she's fully against it but I don't think she's ok with it either. Last summer I had an appointment in a makeup store to learn the basics and she had a meltdown panic attack about it. She might come around with gradual changes but also I can't expect her to be ok with it and I need to be ok with that if I go through with it all.

But all of those things combined... I just kinda feel it's too late for me. Too much work, too much energy, too much uncertainty. Am I actually trans? Is it just a kink? I've read Casey Pletts and Cassie Labelle and related a lot... Like, if you ask me if I could go to bed and wake up a cute woman the next day, I'd say yes to that. And I know it's super vein of me, I'm afraid of not looking good. I'm JUST considering being a woman and I'm already a victim of societal norms...

It's uhm... A lot. Super confusing. Don't really know how to go about it or what to do.

I don't really have specific questions, but if I've learned anything in life is that no one is ever really alone or unique in their situation. I guess I'm just seeking peers with similar stories maybe?

I just don't know...