Can we talk about self worth?
4 weeks ago, I gave myself a gift. But it didn’t feel like a gift at the time.
I acted inappropriately, to the extent that my wife called time on our relationship. Doesn’t sound like much of a gift right?
It certainly didn’t at the time. I was in the foetal position, sobbing and begging her to let me stay. I felt like without her, and with what a mess my life was, I just wanted to end it all. Pretty bleak.
ALL of this, was a symptom of a massive problem in my internal world, and how I saw myself. I could generate the false confidence to be myself in public, sure. And I could put a smile on my face and act like a normal human.
But inside, I was 0/10. I discovered, as a result of this ultimate rejection from the love of my life, that I was suffering from a crippling fear of abandonment. This, coupled with the firey crucible that is gender transition, had reduced me to a shell of a person, and fostered a debilitating emotional dependency on my poor wifey.
And it had finally pushed us apart. Testosterone was a blanket that blockers took off my volatile emotions. Estrogen amplified my emotions to uncontrollable levels. My life time of trauma (trans, and otherwise), never appropriately handled, pummelled my relationship with episodes of insecurity for six months, until it couldn’t take anymore.
Finally, I was forced to confront myself as the reason my most valued relationship in life had fallen apart. Now, it wasn’t my fault, but it was my responsibility. Sometimes this degree of rupture is what’s required to illuminate a blind spot, and I was finally able to stare directly at the problem.
For the next four weeks, I would relentlessly rebuild my sense of self worth with journaling, mindfulness, affirmations and therapy. I’ve come to realise that I am inherently worthy of love. I’ve discovered my emotional triggers, my core wounds, and reconnected with my inner child (scoff if you want, it really works).
The result is a sense of self worth and self love that I’ve never experienced. A robustness that informs me no matter what, I’ll be ok.
There’s still hope for my relationship, but it’ll take time, patience, care and healing to put together in a new, secure way.
For the first time in my whole damn life, I actually have the capacity to deliver this, with joy in my heart and the ability to reconcile any outcome, and move forward with emotional maturity, self worth and resilience.
See? Told you it was a gift ❤️
4 weeks ago, I gave myself a gift. But it didn’t feel like a gift at the time.
I acted inappropriately, to the extent that my wife called time on our relationship. Doesn’t sound like much of a gift right?
It certainly didn’t at the time. I was in the foetal position, sobbing and begging her to let me stay. I felt like without her, and with what a mess my life was, I just wanted to end it all. Pretty bleak.
ALL of this, was a symptom of a massive problem in my internal world, and how I saw myself. I could generate the false confidence to be myself in public, sure. And I could put a smile on my face and act like a normal human.
But inside, I was 0/10. I discovered, as a result of this ultimate rejection from the love of my life, that I was suffering from a crippling fear of abandonment. This, coupled with the firey crucible that is gender transition, had reduced me to a shell of a person, and fostered a debilitating emotional dependency on my poor wifey.
And it had finally pushed us apart. Testosterone was a blanket that blockers took off my volatile emotions. Estrogen amplified my emotions to uncontrollable levels. My life time of trauma (trans, and otherwise), never appropriately handled, pummelled my relationship with episodes of insecurity for six months, until it couldn’t take anymore.
Finally, I was forced to confront myself as the reason my most valued relationship in life had fallen apart. Now, it wasn’t my fault, but it was my responsibility. Sometimes this degree of rupture is what’s required to illuminate a blind spot, and I was finally able to stare directly at the problem.
For the next four weeks, I would relentlessly rebuild my sense of self worth with journaling, mindfulness, affirmations and therapy. I’ve come to realise that I am inherently worthy of love. I’ve discovered my emotional triggers, my core wounds, and reconnected with my inner child (scoff if you want, it really works).
The result is a sense of self worth and self love that I’ve never experienced. A robustness that informs me no matter what, I’ll be ok.
There’s still hope for my relationship, but it’ll take time, patience, care and healing to put together in a new, secure way.
For the first time in my whole damn life, I actually have the capacity to deliver this, with joy in my heart and the ability to reconcile any outcome, and move forward with emotional maturity, self worth and resilience.
See? Told you it was a gift ❤️