I'm very confused

I want to say I mean no disrespect to anyone one here and I really don't want to step on anyone's toes. I'm just really confused and honestly scared about my future. I hope that nothing I say comes off as wrong or offensive.

I have always been jelious of girls. I did experiment when I was a teen with some of my sisters cloths. I thought at the time is was cuz I was so lonely and wanted a gf so bad that I just was pretending to be one. (I was dumb) I'm 44 now and married with 2 kids. And starting to wonder am I trans? I don't know cuz, I do still fantasize about being forced into being a woman. Or if the world would magically change to make me born a girl great but I don't think I have any desire to do anything myself. I'm terrified to lose my family (my mother, sister, and wife) and I don't want to disrupt my kids ( who are 2 and 6) growing up.

I would think if I was trans I'd like want to be dressed up or something without being forced too. To want to just dress up to dress up. And I would want to go through the Hassel of like hormones and surgery or even a hell of lot of shaving it would take for me to even be smooth. Plus I'm not going to look passable. I don't think I could live as a girl and be comfortable. I can't even feel comfortable now but atleast I feel safe.

I really need advice and I don't want to claim I'm a part of some community when I know you all have to suffer so much more then I do. I don't mean to bother or upset anyone here I just I can't figure my issues out.

I'm really wonder if this is just some corruption/hypnosis fetish thing for me.

And I'll say it again I'm really sorry if I am upsetting or offending anyone asking this. 😔