i miss my mom

she was the only person on this fucking planet i could fucking talk to and the last time i saw her she was having a stroke. she didn't even know what was happening, she was just scared. i held her while we waited for the ambulance to come and i tried to help her feel better. i couldn't go to the hospital with her for reasons that i will be eternally ashamed of. but i guess i was spared of truly watching her die. i just wish i had a chance to say goodbye. when she got in the ambulance i thought that i would see her again soon.

its been a little over three years and i feel like i'm still there, like i'm still waiting to hear updates. i don't remember what i said to my sister when she called to let me know that she had died. i just remember sitting on the couch in my living room and scrolling on my phone like nothing happened. i haven't had a chance since then to process anything thats happened.

i don't want to be alive anymore. i don't want to wake up anymore. i don't want to feel nothing anymore. i want to go home i want to go home i want go home