17 days out. What is this life?

It’s still so horrible. My husband was suffering and I had zero idea to this extent. I’ll never be able to reconcile this. MY HUSBAND would never have left his children, or me with all of this burden and grief. I know in my heart he was in psychosis, but I wish so badly he could’ve said anything, SOMETHING, to ANYBODY. Called a hotline, called 911. Anything. I’m left with a 3.5 year old daughter who misses her daddy and doesn’t understand the concept of death yet, and a now 9 week old daughter who will never know him and has like, 15 pictures with him in total. It’s horrible. It’s awful. I’m overwhelmed by the amount of crap I have to do now. He would’ve never done this to me. It’s so hard for me to know how much he suffered in those final days. It was so quick. I noticed signs of manic paranoia and psychosis only 2-3 days before our lives changed forever. I’m just venting. I miss him. I love him. I know I should be angry to, and I have moment when I am, but I’m mostly just profoundly sad. A sadness that spans a universe that he had these thoughts that were wrong. That his brain lied to him thinking we’d be better off. His note shattered me. I just wish all of this pain could go away. I’m grieving for myself, my kids, his mom and dad (no parent should ever endure this), and every single person who knew the real him.

I miss him so much. 😞