Breath hold success…I think

Hi guys, this is my first time posting on here, or anywhere on reddit really. Sorry if this is really long but I want to get everything of my chest. So I’ve been struggling with paruresis for a while now, I think a few years. As a kid I was easily able to pee anywhere without a second thought. I’m 15 now but ever since year 7, which is when I was 13 for any Americans etc that use the grade system I have struggled. At first I brushed it off but over the past year or so I’ve really started to realise that this is a serious problem that will and is heavily impacting my social life. I’ve done thorough research on the topic and discovered that I may have a mild to mid case of paruresis. I can pee in public areas if nobody is around, or if a stranger is in the next stall over it takes awhile but I usually can get a stream going in a stall next to them or a couple over. If I know nobody is in the bathroom I can usually pee in a urinal or trough. But if people are in the toilet I will opt for a stall, even then if people are in there I have sometimes not been able to go. However I have found that sitting down greatly helps me, I think it’s something about that sitting down really relaxes the muscles. But even then sometimes sitting down I haven’t been able to. I don’t intend to offend anyone with this next statement but this is just my personal opinion, I am trying to train myself to not require sitting down to more easily pee as it seems to make me feel less masculine in a way. So I have talked to my parents about my issue and they have supported me and want to help me, they agreed to take me to the doctor to talk so we went and all the doctor could recommend was exposure therapy, which I’m sure you have heard of. I tried it a few times with my parents but it didn’t feel like enough as I was for the most part comfortable peeing when they were around. So I kind of stopped doing that with them and began trying to do it myself in public bathrooms. For example if I was out I would go to the toilet and try to go. A lot of the time I couldn’t do it standing so I did it sitting but I wasn’t happy with that. Some of the time I could do it standing but my brain subconsciously associated sitting down to be easier which I am currently trying to change. Anyway, I havnt found too much success with the exposure therapy and have been researching other ways on the internet, but I personally would rather hear the opinions and experiences of people who used to or are currently dealing with this issue instead of a random website or video. So I downloaded reddit and joined this community. I have read every single post in this subreddit, reading about all kind of solutions and experiences. But the one that intrigued me the most was the Breath Hold Method. Simply, it involved approaching the situation as relaxed as possible, consciously trying to relax your entire body before attempting. Breathing in and then breathing out, some people say to breathe all of your air out, others say to breathe only 70-80% of it, but I think it’s just personal preference. Then you want to hold your breath. It’s not about how long you hold it for, it varies from person to person, it’s more about reaching a point where your lungs are literally convulsing and causing your body to shake and move, your throat will close and open, weirdly I even get my ears trying to take in oxygen. It isn’t a nice experience at first but you just have to hold on. I’m a beginner so it’s hard for me, just for now I like to hold my nose shut because if I don’t my brain will force me to breathe through it but I’m hoping that will change. So to get to the main point of the story: Last night, on New Year’s Eve I spent the entire time scrolling through this subreddit, reading everything about the breath hold technique. I hadn’t tried it before and was confident it was going to work. So I waited until I had a little urge (this was my first mistake, as a beginner trying this method, I find it is best to attempt when your bladder is pretty full) so I went to the bathroom and locked the door, ready to “cure my paruresis” oh how wrong I was. I stood infront of the toilet preparing myself. I took three deep breaths and then exhaled all of my air, after about 20 seconds I couldn’t take it and was devastated that I didn’t do it, but I was determined to do it. I decided to get a stopwatch on my phone to time how long it would take before I started peeing. It was around 20-22 seconds before I gave up. I tried countless times, giving up every one, looking back now I know how close I really was. After every failed attempt I would beat myself up over it, i eventually gave up and just peed normally. I went to sleep and woke up on New Years Day 2024. The night before I had wrote a list of all of my New Years Resolutions, one of them being to conquer paruresis, or atleast make significant progress. So New Years morning I went about my day as usual, drinking plenty of water. The entire morning I read and consumed all of the information I could on the breath hold technique, this time I was ready. I told my family I was going to do a number 2 which was a lie that I told because I knew this could take some time. I walked into the bathroom taking deep breaths. I remembered all of the things I needed to do. I pulled down my pants and relaxed myself. I was in the comfort of my own home so I could have easily normally peed right then and there, but this wasn’t about it if I could pee, this was about getting my body and brain used to holding my breath to pee (note: the breath hold method is something that I personally only want to use if it’s needed, like if I locked up in a public bathroom and need to go or am under pressure so this was simply a skill I wanted to have so I could use it if needed) I took three deep breaths and on the third I exhaled everything out, holding my nose with one hand and my you know what in the other. After around 20 seconds I couldn’t anymore. I attempted a few more times and was about to give up. But my brain thought back to something somebody said ( can’t remember their name but if you read through all the breath hold threads in this subreddit you’d probably see it) they said they would rather pass out then live with paruresis. I used that as my motivation, this was it. I once again took three deep breaths and exhaled everything on the third. I held on, after a bit I could feel my body trying to force myself to breathe. But my hand was locked around my nose and my mouth was sealed shut. My lungs pumped trying to circulate oxygen that wasn’t there. My throat opened and closed. My ears even tried to take in oxygen. All of a sudden I get the urge to pee, I smiled and took a deep breath. I had done it…or had I? I was glad but doubtful, I was doubtful about this: As you know I performed this in the comfort of my own home, and as I said I could have easily peed, so my question to you is ( if you read this far) : Do you think I actually correctly performed the Breath Hold Method or could it just have been me peeing normally as I really needed to.