i want to end my life

but my child will lose someone who understands him. he only has 2 people, me and his dad. he is nonverbal autistic.

i dont know how i can continue. i can barely do my wfh job. it starts super early so i only get a few hours sleep and spend the first couple of hours in a zombie state with a brain too foggy to do anything.

halos hndi na ako nakakalabas ng bahay kasi nga wfh. wala akong nakakausap. relatives seem to not want us around or baka nga busy lang. friends live far far away.

i can only talk with my husband who will shut down my ideas and talk down to me like im stupid. for most of our marriage im the one who earns more. the one who sacrifices everything to work, because no choice. i dont want my child to have no money and starve. kawawa na nga as is. schools wont accept him so aside from sped tutorial naka gadget lng most of the day. i want to be with him pero forced nga to work. so i get to hear his wails outside the door while im trying to work. and of course i accomplish nothing, failure at work, failure as a mom. it never ends. hopeless.

by the way my in laws blame my family’s genes for our child’s autism. they don’t exert any effort at all. he will be worse off if i die. but i pray for sweet death nightly.

pls dont share this post outside i dont want my husband to know since it will just make my life even more miserable. i just felt maybe i need to let it out and then maybe i can concentrate more sa work. thank u.