Contamination OCD how can I heal?

I started with contamination OCD about 10 months ago. It started after my friend passed away suddenly and in the same week I had a stomach bug that caused the.D word, as we call it. The actual word triggers huge anxiety for me.

My friend had a chronic illness and she thought she was allergic to almost every food (she wasn’t it was anxiety) and her body was struggling from lack of nutrients and she passed very sudden. Ever since then I became really scared of losing weight and after I had the stomach bug I became anxious to eat and lost about 7 lb and that’s when the OCD began because it linked weight loss to what if I died like my friend becausee I was struggling to eat. I became scared of eating incase it caused a bad tummy and that’s where the cycle all began.

I’m eating better now and still fear any kind of stomach pain. It has led to contamination OCD where I have many compulsions and to be honest in the last three months it’s got so much worse and he’s having a huge impact on my husband and children. I’m crying as I type this because this is the first time I’ve dared to post anywhere for some advice because I’m really scared to talk about it and embarrassed.

My compulsions are - I handwash for 15-20 minutes after I’ve pottered around the house. I go through so much handwash and my arms and hands are wrecked. - if I go to the toilet for a wee I have to change my trousers incase they touched the toilet. If I do a number 2 I have to shower. Sometimes I’ll even rewaah my hair. - If I have done jobs around the house I will shower and wash hair again. I usually just shower and wash hair in the morning but during the day any housework that makes me feel dirty I’ll shower again. - if anyone cooks meat I panic and make my husband supervise the kids (they’re 19-22 yrs old lol) and I make him glove up to clean after them. He has strict instructions on cleaning the kitchen. - I or my husband spray handles and light switches after the kids get home. - I can’t hug or stroke my dogs I’m scared they’ll give me a bug so I can no longer be in contact them. I won’t be in the same room as them other than if they’re behind a stair gate. This hurts me so much. - I change my pyjamas after every toilet trip at night - if anything falls on the floor while I’m folding laundry I have to re wash it I won’t wear it. - I can’t hug my family. If they touch even my arm I’ll have to wash and change. - I clean my phone multiple times a day, even my book I’m currently reading. I clean anything I use and touch.

You get the gist, there’s many more but I think that’s the main examples and I know it’s not good. We have one bathroom in our house and I drive my kids mad how long I’m in there for with washing.

My friend helped me unpick it and she said it basically comes down to a fear of having D (the upset stomach again) as day bug scared you. Your friend dying too from not eating. It has all become this fear of if you got D again, you’d stop eating again, lose weight and die like your friend. Yup! So that’s why I over clean my home, my body, etc to reduce the risk of a bug again 😥 Ny friend said if you didn’t fear the D bug I don’t think ocd would have got you this much. I think she’s right, why does it scare me so much? Everyone gets it sometimes? But this time it’s impacting me I think because of my friend passing.

It’s got to the point ocd is making me ill. I have chronic neck pain from all the handwashing, it causes me physical pain by the evening every day. I also have chronic fatigue syndrome so the ocd is making that even worse. I look a mess too, I look exhausted and disheveled lol.

I had harm ocd many years ago after a trauma and had ERP, which did help. Right now I’m physically too exhausted with the CFS to do therapy. I’ve looked for books but surprisingly not many are on this subtype of contamination. Can anyone offer me some advice please? It’s impacting my family so much.

My poor husband is burnt out from working then overly cleaning every night for me after the kids are home, pets etc he is exhausted. I’m obsessed with the floors being clean, everywhere being hygienic, making sure kids double wash their hands once home from work/uni… it’s having a huge impact on my husbands body too. He even burst into tears a few weeks ago and I’ve only ever seen him cry twice in 26 years. He’s just exhausted and wants me better.

I’m sorry this is long. I am so anxious posting this. I know I sound silly.