Filing paperwork today

I’m sitting in the waiting room of the lawyers office. Today the lawyer and I will write up the marital settlement agreement to send to my stbx. And prepare the paperwork to file divorce. I feel so sad and devastated. 23 years together and gone just like that. He hasn’t once tried to stop me from going forward with the split. Zero remorse. Zero sadness. Zero accountability. Only continued hate, name calling, blame, and false accusations. It feels like he wants it to be over. And I just wish he didn’t, even though I know it needs to be over. Things have been so bad for so long and I’ve tried everything to save things. And when he is needed the most (to save our marriage) he refuses to step up.

I know I’m doing the right thing but it’s crazy to me that I’m finally at this stage. I wasn’t sure I’d ever end it, even two months ago I wasn’t sure if I’d ever get the nerve to leave. He’s all I’ve known for my entire adult life after all. But now I’m here in the place I’ve been imagining for a few years. About to begin the process of divorce. It feels terrible and sad and wrong. After so long of loving him more than myself, it is so hard to shift to loving me more. But here we are and I am moving forward despite the discomfort and grief I’m experiencing. He never loved me the way I thought and he never saw that I loved him with whole entire being.

I hope to look back on this day eventually and be grateful I did it. Because right now I’m having so many doubts because of the fear and uncertainty. Here goes nothing.