Do you ever miss the abuse?

For context I'm 18(M) and dated a covert narcissist (19M) I feel like sometimes I miss the abuse. It felt familiar and safe. Even if I was actively being torn apart in the process, and I don't think I'm necessarily wrong for feeling that. But I don't know how to get over this feeling. I've been no contact with him for 2 years and that was the best decision I could have made for myself.