Potential Backing Off Because I Won’t Sign Legal Marriage
Assalam o Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh,
I moved to Canada six months ago, and after 2 years of failed searched back home, I was able to connect to a wonderful woman through our local masjid’s matchmaking service. From our first meeting, we connected instantly and spent a month discussing everything in detail before agreeing to marry next month, InshaAllah. She is educated, kind, and deeply committed to the deen. Alhamdulillah, our values align perfectly. After two years of searching, it truly felt like I had found my soulmate. Alhamdulillah once again.
During our discussions, we made several agreements. Both of us wanted to live according to Islamic law, which means following the rights and responsibilities Islam has laid out for spouses. I also wanted a traditional marriage where I would provide while she stays home, and she agreed to this despite having completed Masters recently. She was comfortable with a small mahr ($1,000), and we both agreed on a nikkah and walimah event (<50 guests). I earn enough to comfortably support both of us, so that was never a concern.
However, we hit a major roadblock when I insisted that we only conduct a nikkah and not legally register our marriage with the state. My reasoning is straightforward: I come from wealth and have significant assets, including a condo I own and a non-controlling equity stake in my father’s business. My father divided his business and investments among us siblings during his lifetime to prevent future disputes. Canadian law states that assets owned before marriage remain separate, but any gains made during the marriage become marital assets, which Islamically is not permissible. Even our local imam has clarified that spouses do not have a claim over each other’s wealth in Islam.
She, however, was strongly against this. She assured me she had no interest in my assets but wanted the legal protections that come with a registered marriage. We had several arguments over the past couple of weeks. I reminded her that she initially agreed to live according to Islam, so why was she now backtracking? She swore by Allah that while she wouldn’t claim my wealth in divorce, but she also didn’t want to be left without any legal recourse if we divorced. This confused me.
To address her concerns, I proposed an alternative. I and her would enter into a cohabitation agreement, which is legally binding in Canada and serves as a form of common-law marriage. We can both state the conditions of this agreement which would bypass state laws that come with traditional marriage. The agreement I proposed covered all of her (and mine) rights in Islam. I sent her a draft cohabitation that stated the following:
- Our marriage is Islamic (nikkah), and divorce would be handled through an Islamic council (with khula rights for her).
- I am legally obligated to provide child support until age 18 in case of divorce.
- I am legally obligated to cover all her expenses (rent, groceries, bills, insurance, travel, etc*.*).
- I am legally obligated to provide iddah maintenance ($2,500 per month for three months).
- Neither spouse has a claim to the other’s assets after divorce.
To my shock, she and her family rejected it outright. Her father called me, insulted me, and accused me of trying to exploit her and that I didn't trust her daughter. He insisted that none of his other daughters were insulted by potentials by proposing to forgo legal marriage. I was stunned and shocked considering she previously agreed to rejecting man made laws.
I called her last night, and we had an emotional hour long conversation. She said she wanted the legal protections of Canadian marriage law (i.e., a 50% share of marital assets upon divorce) because she would be making sacrifices as a stay-at-home wife and wanted something in return if I ever chose to leave her. I suggested increasing the mahr as a security measure instead, but she refused, stating that a potential future share in my assets was the only form of security she would accept as a stay at home wife/mom.
Now, I find myself at a crossroads. I don’t want to end things. I have never felt this way about anyone before. But at the same time, I can’t bring myself to agree to terms that go against my conscience and my religion. I need advice: How should I proceed? I fear that if I don't make her agree to this, I would never find someone that I feel so compatible with otherwise.