Actually stopping this time

Turns out I’m not trans. I’ve been going through old photos and AI and looking at myself in the mirror, and every time I looked, if I tried to see a woman, I was just horrified.

It makes me think that everyone who told me that I could do it or that I’d look beautiful one day was just telling me that so I’d feel less depressed.

Anyway, the last time this happened, I stopped and went out and dated some people for 3 years, and I realized that I can stand being a cis man. When I thought that I was trans, I still acted entirely like a cis man, and I looked like one too. I’ll never male fail or pass, and I’ll always just look like a guy in women’s clothes, and I can’t pretend like that doesn’t bother me. I’m not as brave or stunning as all of you lovely people, but I’ll never stop cheering you all on.

I’ve realized that being a cis man is not that bad. I think I just overreacted because of my most recent breakup. I’m not very religious but when I see trans women and how happy they look, I feel like they were born to do it, and it fills be with such joy. I’ve never felt that joy.

I’ve always been comfortable with my deadname and uncomfortable with the name that I preferred and chose. And I wasn’t a fan of he/him pronouns, but she/her and they/them just never felt comfortable when used in my context.

For everyone else, transitioning is fundamentally important and crucial for their wellbeing, but for me all transitioning would be is going against nature. I tried to look for signs and evidence that I wanted to be a girl as a kid, and I tried to see if I looked even close to okay if kept transitioning but there’s nothing and I can’t. I’m and cis man who just needs to be put himself back on the dating scene.

Thank you all so much and have a wonderful new year.