Am sincerely contemplating divorce - kids are 2 and 4.

I've posted here before but it's been a while -- long story short: I'm very good at deceiving myself and also putting my thoughts and feelings last for the sake of a relationship, and the stakes of course only get so much higher after having children.

On paper, my life is GREAT. I have a good income, my husband has a great income, and we have 2 beautiful kiddos that we love very, very much. We have a nice house together, our kids are happy, and my son is about to start kindergarten in August.

Things haven't been perfect for a long time in the marriage, but things REALLY started to take a nose dive when husband started to travel for work again over a year ago. I'm talking, 5 hour flights to another coast for a week at a time, every 3 weeks or more. This week he was only gone for 2 days, but as soon as he left, daycare called to tell me our 2 year old was extremely sick and I needed to come get her. FLU - and she has had the vaccine but apparently this year's strain is bad enough that kiddos are still getting it. After managing her high fever for 48 hours, being thrown up on, taking 2 sick days off of work, all while trying to keep my 4 year old away so he doesn't also get the virus, husband comes home and proceeds to put me down, tell me I can't take time off from watching her that following day (me = no sleep for 3 nights straight - she is coughing, puking, and running a high fever while he was gone and also after he got back).

He goes on with his work from home day without communicating with me. I try to take a nap that afternoon, being SO exhausted, and he bursts into our bedroom, turns the TV off aggressively (I prefer to sleep with white noise when I'm super dead), and proceeds to tell me to get the fuck up. He has to work and I have to watch our sick daughter. This might be the 85th time he has put his job before mine (I'm an equal earner). It's not like he "asked" me to watch her right at that 2 PM moment I wanted to sleep - he just ignored her starting right after lunch. I asked him to watch her so I could nap. This fucking "bursting into our room to throw the Roku across the room", putting me down, and telling me I'm not a team player because he is just as exhausted as me after a work trip -- my stomach and body and mind cannot handle this anymore. I'm sorry, but a work trip doesn't even come close to handling a two year old with the flu -- who isn't sleeping, who isn't well at all in a scary way. How dare he? The subtle jabs have built up over the years - I'm lazy, I'm selfish, my job is stupid compared to his... etc etc etc

I'm at a hotel today (AGAIN - I've left probably 4 times so far this year), and he once again takes zero responsibility for his behavior toward me. This morning I asked him to please call so we could talk, and he proceeded to rage text me all morning until I couldn't stop crying. And no, I'm not innocent or perfect, but this is beginning to feel like debilitating emotional abuse and misery.

I'm heartbroken, but this relationship has been dying for a long time. I will be the "divorced mom" at my son's PTA events, because I cannot fathom dating, much less re-marrying, ANY time soon. And - no one in my life is on my side - my mother is a man -sympathizer to the core (the man is always right). All my girlfriends with kids are happily married for the most part.

My husband has quietly never had my back, not even after 8 years together. He nit-picks everything about me after we fight, and drives a nail into my heart, rather than apologize or try to understand and make things better with me.

I'm living in a nightmare. My kids mean the world to me. How the fuck can I ever leave this life I've spent 8 years creating. I'm staying because it feels impossible to leave.