Overshare of my loss and first ever trigger

Needed to get this off my chest because I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. My cousin announced her pregnancy to all of us cousins together last night. We’re a really close family so she FaceTimed all of us in the cousins group chat to let us know. She’s the eldest (F29), I come next (F28) and the others are all younger than us (25-6yo). I had my 2nd loss a month before her wedding in October 24.
Backstory: Tbh I didn’t know I was pregnant until I had the miscarriage. I have PCOS and as I am losing weight I am getting my cycles back so ovulation for me wasn’t regular. I had what I thought was a very strange but messy period. This started on a Monday just as spotting and by the Thursday I had to leave work from the mess. I was in pain but, I always am, so I didn’t pass it any particular attention. A few days later I got a notification from my Premom app to remind me to track ovulation after my ‘period’. I hadn’t done this in a while so when I got home from work I did my test and while I still had urine in the cup I thought I may as well log a pregnancy test too, for a fresh start. To my complete shock, it was positive. I ran around town before the shops closed and bought more tests. I did 7 more tests from 4 different brands and they all were positive. Faint but definitely positive. Seeing the word ‘pregnant’ written in the wee window of the digital one sent me into a panic. I knew what had happened. I had a few more from each pack left so I tested again on the first urine the next morning. My second digital confirming again ‘pregnant’ and the other hCG tests still positive but looking more faint that yesterdays. I called the doctor and was checked over by OBGyn in the hospital the next evening. Because my hCG levels were so low, I didn’t have an ovulation or conception date Docs couldn’t even tell me how far along I was. From the date of my last period and last time we had unprotected sex, the only date that makes sense would make it 10 weeks.

I was gutted but I previously had a chemical pregnancy back in 2021 and back then, I was relieved when that happened because my partner was getting chemo and that would not have been ok. I had 2 days of panic from the moment I got the positive test by myself stressing and then nature took its course. This time though, it really got to me. I convinced everyone around me (Partner/Parents/Sibs/Friends & Colleagues) that because I didn’t know I was pregnant that it wasn’t a big deal. I didn’t tell my extended family. I mean, how could I really? I didn’t think I had anything worthy of sharing. We’d lost my Grandad a few months before this so it was already an emotional year. As someone who was told at 19yo that I should consider freezing eggs, I always knew my journey to become a mum wasn’t going to be easy. Besides, I didn’t know I was even pregnant, so I don’t get to be sad about this right?

Anyway, fast forward to last night, and we get the call and I we’re all sitting there congratulating my cousin and her husband and chatting about god only knows because I wasn’t tuned in. My gut felt like it had been stabbed, I was holding back tears and smiling and waiting for someone else to end the call because I didn’t want it to seem like I didn’t care. To top it all off, baby is due near my Grandad’s birthday. I was a mess last night. I cried myself to sleep out of jealousy and guilt for feeling jealous. Here’s where I’d like to say sorry to anyone who has ever experienced this. This feeling is horrendous because never in a million years did I expect my initial reaction to be gut wrenching jealousy instead of happiness and joy. This is one of the people I love most in the world who announced their news to us tonight. I should be thrilled for them but what I can’t stop thinking about is how their baby gets to be the first now instead. Their baby is alive and growing and they get to share it with everyone. Then comes the floods of messages and photo updates into the group chat after the call. My own mum commenting on how this was the ‘First Great Grandchild’ and how our grandparents would be so proud if they were here. My aunts all chiming in about how they’re becoming great-aunts now. How beautiful she looks, how pregnancy suits her. I don’t deny it one bit, she’s honestly glorious and glowing. She does look beautiful and pregnancy does suit her and I wish her all the health and happiness. I was not expecting this reaction, I don’t like this and it sucks. Hard.

TLDR; unexpected miscarriage trauma triggered by close family member pregnancy announcement. Overwhelming jealousy and guilt

Edit to add: I didn’t know what I’d get from this post. I needed to offload and now I’m really glad I did. I tried journaling about it and it didn’t feel emptied. Sharing it with all of you has helped so much and I’m really thankful for anyone that has replied. Appreciate the support!