I hate being mean!!

I can't remember if I've made a post like this before or not, but I hate being mean when I'm overstimulated. Even though I don't usually say mean things out loud, I still think them because I become so irritable. :(

Today I had therapy and I went to the grocery store with my dad later. It was way too much and even though I had in my Loop earbuds, had on my headphones, and had my sunglasses on, I felt on the verge of explosion the entire time. Inside my head when people got in the way of my walking trajectory I felt like "GET OUT OF MY WAY!!" and when my dad tried to talk to me I felt like "SHUT UP AND BE QUIET PLEASE!! PLEASE STOP TALKING!!!" and I'm usually not an angry type of person so I get double upset at the fact that I'm being so mean. (⁠ ⁠･ั⁠﹏⁠･ั⁠)

I feel like I always have to go grocery shopping with my dad because that's what we usually do and I like to think that I can be helpful in that way. But I don't know if I can do it as often anymore because after I've already done something in the day I don't have the bandwidth to do something else, especially something long and stressful like shopping. My dad says I don't always have to come with him, but I'm afraid to let him down. And afraid to change what we usually do. He said he was sorry I got overstimulated and he tried not to overwhelm me more which I appreciated a lot.

I think I'm extra sensitive cos I washed my hair this morning and I usually only do that on days where I have nothing else to do and don't have to go anywhere. It's so tiring and now my head has hurt all day. I knew I had to go to therapy today but I hadn't washed my hair in almost a month and I couldn't take it anymore. My hair was bothering me a lot because it was so itchy and greasy feeling.

Does anyone know how to let go of things? I know I shouldn't have gone grocery shopping with my dad but I have a hard time saying "no." Maybe I can ask my mum to "give me permission" to not go. Sometimes I get stuck doing things and I have to ask my mum to tell me to stop because I can't just stop by myself. I think because I have a hard time with change and transitions.

I just don't want to be so mean so often...when my mum was talking to me I started holding my head and screaming because there has been too much stuff going on lately. I felt bad because I don't like people to see me have a hard time. :(