I just lost the love of my life.

Howdy, as the title says, i (18m) just lost my beautiful partner (19nb) of 3 fantastic years.

Im absolutely crushed to say the least. Its beyond painful because i thought they were the one and im still stupidly holding out. I made a post here earlier and things didnt go as i wanted. My partner said they felt disconnected and didnt know who they were and said we would be unstoppable as friends.

I wanted to get engaged to this person and had just moved away from everything i knew interstate to be with them. Now its all.. poof. Of course we arent no contact which would have killed me. I feel so directionless without them and every move feels aimless. Before i had goals to work towards and now theres nothing. Just nothing.

It feels like ive suddenly been pushed through a door from this sprawling new exciting world to a void, where its endless and empty besides things i thought i had gotten over have slammed me back in the face. I felt secure in my body and my personality. Now i suddenly feel fat and ugly and unsexy. I feel annoying and vulgar. Small and gross like some sort of goblin.

I loved them so much. So so much and im still so deeply in love. I wanted to start a life with them and we had talked about them spending christmas with me because my home isn't stable and christmas isnt a thing. I loved their smile, their laugh, their quirks. They were such a nerd and i loved it so much. They were so attractive and i loved our intimacy. I love them. Theres so much love and nowhere to put it. I feel scared about my position in their life going from boyfriend to just.. friend. I feel like im no longer their number 1 when their still mine. Im absolutely devastated and i want to hibernate until this feeling goes away. Im still so in love and its eating me alive. I guess i really need some support from others going through this im absolutely miserable.

I wanted to marry you. Its stupid but im still holding hope somehow you'll find yourself and come back to me.. please come back some day.

I love you.