After leaving Christianity, I'm realizing that I'm a cruel, spiteful person. And I don't want to stop.

I posted once or twice on this sub about three years ago when I was in the process of leaving Christianity. Now I'm out of the church and in a spiritual/moral crisis, and I don't know where else to turn. I'm just... so angry at my former church, at my evangelical parents, at the teachers at my Christian school who indoctrinated me. I'm so full of rage I feel like I'm about to spontaneously combust. I fantasize about getting revenge on the adults who spiritually and emotionally abused me, about making them hurt like I do. I want to scream in their faces, cuss them out in public, write about the way they treated me and then drag their names through the dirt. I want to make them suffer for what they did. I want to crush their souls and ruin their lives.

In the last few weeks, my feelings of anger and grief have begin to spiral out of control. I've been lashing out at my friends, picking fights with my roommate, and snapping at people in public. I'm being mean to everyone and I can't stop it. I don't want to stop. I want to tell people exactly what I think of them and cut them down. I'm turning into my volatile, abusive father and I'm about to lose my best friend and I'm terrified, but at the same time I want to keep being the bad guy. It's like being a Christian and having endless rules to follow was the only thing keeping me from acting on my worst impulses. I have nothing left to guide me and no reason to keep trying to be "good." I think I've always secretly been this cruel and now I'm finally acting like the bully I really am. I don't think I've ever really cared about anyone but myself.

I don't know what to do or how to go on. Therapy and meds have only helped so much. Just give me a reason to care again, and to want to get better. I'm scared I'm about to blow up my life.