does anyone else have this feeling

so basically, I wanna move on because i know it's probably never gonna happen between us again but... the reason it's so hard to move on is not because i still like him (i do), but because i can't stop grieving what we could've had.

he's not innocent either but it was mainly my fault we broke up. and now i feel too guilty to move on because 1) if i didn't misbehave we'd still be together so i feel like i don't deserve the peace of moving on from something i did 2) i grieve what we could've had and feel like i must get it back and that it's not too late.

if it wasn't MY fault we broke up, i probably would've found it easier to move on lol. I wish he cheated on me or smth so i could finally move on. i'm stuck on it not bc i like him but bc i don't deserve the peace of moving on when it's MY FAULT WE BROKE UP AHHHH i feel so guilty and finding someone else feels so wrong but i know i have to move on and find someone else so i'm just. idk. idkwhat to do