Why do I only like myself when I'm high?

I hate myself and have terrible self esteem issues that honestly destroy my life in many aspects. Looking at myself in the mirror or in photos, or down at my body, makes me sick. I hate my character, I hate my looks, I hate it all. I even deeply criticize my childhood photos sometimes. But when I'm high on benzos I can talk to myself much nicer and I think I look much more tolerable. Why is this? I cannot for the life of me do anything but hate my appearance when sober, but when I'm high I'm cooler with my existence. It's hard. Addiction is a bitch when the drugs are genuinely beneficial in some ways, they're just shortcuts sometimes but come at a price. Sobriety sucks buns!