Rules For Breaking Up
Sometimes we have to break up. There's no way around it. It's not easy. It's not fun but it has to be done. In a committed relationship you're a caretaker of the other person's heart - even when breaking up. I thought it would be good to make a list of rules or principles for breaking up that have the best chance to leading to the most positive outcome and the least chance of having regrets afterward. Here goes:
- Have a game plan and rehearse your conversation. It's going to be an emotional moment and you need to stay focused to get through it.
- Thank them for what they have brought to the relationship. Gratitude and thankfulness for the good they have brought to the relationship goes a long way to healing.
- Be honest but not brutal about your reasons. If being one of the reasons will cause great emotional distress then say something more general like "I feel like we're moving apart and becoming too different" or "We're better as friends" rather than telling them something which will cause emotional harm. They are vulnerable and the words you say to them can have real consequences for their wellbeing. Remember, you're prepared for this but they aren't. This may feel like you're lying to them but sometimes you have to do this to ensure you do not hurt them unnecessarily. You're making the wise choice by caring about their feelings. In the long run, if you know you aren't right for each other, it won't matter. But if you murder their feelings that can have long term consequences for them and you. You don't want that guilt on your conscience.
- Admit your mistakes. both in the relationship and if you haven't been honest about your doubts until now. This may sound weird but you don't want them feeling like the carpet is being pulled out from under them. If you haven't been honest about your feelings leading up to the breakup that is something you should admit and apologize for. Remember, you are a caretaker of their heart.
- Apologize for hurting them. Even if you're not guilty of doing anything morally wrong, an apology shows you have respect for their heart and that helps them recover.
- Give them grace. Some may take the news great. Others not so great. They may feel hurt and possibly betrayed. Give them grace. It's not easy dealing with this. Especially if you weren't honest about your feelings leading up to it then you need to give more grace. If you care about them you need to let them feel how they feel and accept the consequences of any mistakes you made leading up to this.