how does anyone survive this

// long vent

every time anything just even slightly starts to feel better it always ends up getting worse again and I feel so trapped in this endless cycle of hating myself and hating myself and hating myself and hating myself.

And I HATE that the only thing that I can think of that would fix this is if someone essentially just sacrificed themselves for me and was just there by my side forever to tell me that it's ok and I'm ok and just be there for me. And before anyone says "you have to be that person for yourself" I KNOW AND I DONT WANT TO BE ANYMORE. I hate sacrificing myself for myself I hate having to force myself to do things I hate taking care of myself I hate everything about me. I just wish someone would do all of it for me. And I hate that my supportive friends aren't enough I always want more I always need more I need to consume everything around me and it ends up suffocating everyone around me I HATE IT

And then when things get bad it always gets worse bc the more stressed I get the less in touch with reality I get so as soon as I start feeling a little bad it's a slippery slope all the way down to feeling like I'm hearing god again WHICH I KNOW ISNT EVEN REAL but I just keep hear it over and over and over again I feel CRAZY

I don't know how to keep going even though I will. Everything is just so hard.