Feeling bad for my initial gender disappointment

Okay this is a confession that I need to make because I’m gonna lose my mind. I think the title says it all, but I would like to elaborate. A week ago I found out the gender of my baby. Before knowing, I thought I didn’t care that much as long as the baby was healthy. Turns out I did. After I found out I had the opposite of what I expected I took it very badly.

I had to contain myself not to cry at the doctors office. At home, I cried for two days, hardly finding any more joy in this pregnancy. But after that… suddenly my mind changed completely. As if I had woken up from a lethargic state, wondering what was I thinking?? As confusing as it was for me, it was as if I suddenly stopped caring so much about the gender again…

Ever since then, I feel a profound sense of shame for the way I reacted. I feel so bad. I’m a FTM and this is a very wanted baby. I feel that because of the way I reacted, that already shows that I won’t be a good mom. I am scared of my baby not loving me anymore or having been hurt by my reaction. Sometimes I even think that I don’t deserve to have a healthy pregnancy because I was ungrateful and I get scared of something happening to my baby. (This last thought keeps me awake at night)

My husband is a sweetheart and he has been very supportive (even in my initial bad days) and reassuring. Even my parents said I didn’t do anything wrong and my initial reaction was normal, even common.

However, I need to hear this from other people in my situation. I feel like a hormonal mess and at this point I don’t know what’s normal or not. How can I stop feeling so bad? Was my negative reaction something so serious or was it normal, as my parents pointed out?

This is a very vulnerable post so please be kind 😓