I wish I could hate him, really

I did things I'm not proud of in our relationship and I blame myself for them all the time. It feels like I'm unable to blame him for anything. I was anxious, needed his attention very often and at some point I was demanding almost every single second of his life. When I realized how much problems it was causing for the two of us, I went to therapy straight away. I've started to learn about attachment styles, to seek the ways to heal my inner child, etc. I was willing to work and I was putting in the effort. He? Well. He refused to go to therapy. Every video, every podcast, everything related to his attachment style was always ignored. Not to mention things that suggested how anxious attachment style and avoidant attachment style partners can make it work. I feel neglected in my own relationship. Felt like I was a burden. I've heard him saying that he misses me less than I cried because of him. I stayed through ghosting, anger, blame. Last year I've spent my entire winter break without him because we got into a fight and he said that he wanted to spend it with his closest people and that he needed time away from me. Three weeks. He blocked me for three weeks and didn't text me anything. Yet I stayed. Stupid me. I ignored it when he raised his hands on me, and refused to leave him even after an accident when he almost beat me up. Seriously, what is wrong with me? And then, by the end, I got discarded like an old dog that wasn't needed anymore. Blocked me without saying anything except for "I'm breaking up with you" and then never talked to me again lol until he wanted a game he gifted me back so he followed me around campus for a couple of days and then was gone for good again. I can't be angry at him.

My friends told me to find this hatred I now 'had to have' towards this silly man and glow up entirely. My therapist told me to expect anger, one of the stages of grief. Then I figured out that he was already seeing someone new one month after the breakup (we were together for almost two years) and THEN everyone looked at me expecting ME to get at least pissed off slightly. I could only cry. It was the only thing I could do, really. I cried in the bathroom at our Uni after every class I shared with him. I cried on the bus after seeing him with his new girl. I cried in my bed. In the bathroom. In the kitchen during breakfast with my family. I still cry almost every single day and he's the only thing that occupies my mind 24/7 when I know that there's so much more to my life. He wanted me gone for good, and once I begged him to give me closure (one week after the breakup) he looked me in the eyes and said how much happier he was without me. Told me how he was finally relieved and that he didn't want to know anything about me again. I was going through terrible health problems at the time and I don't know what's gotten into me, but I asked if he cared about my first ever surgery I was having soon. Before the breakup he told me he was going to be there for me no matter what. He chuckled. He looked at me and chuckled. Then he proceeded to tell me how it was my problem now and not to talk to him ever again.

From our close friends, who took my side, I figured out that he was planning to leave me three months before he actually did it. For these three months he was so cold I was always in distress but he would tell me that this was all his problems at school and stuff, but then I also found out from his friends that at some nights when he refused to call me for at least 30 minutes because he was "a busy bee" he was actually playing with them. Yeah. Yey for love. Then he practically just monkey branched. I'm devastated still. I still go to therapy. I still try my best to work on myself. I still cry every time I see a skirt he used to like so much and his new girl wearing a similar one. Like, wow. This all was not on my 2024 list, obviously. Still, never hated that dude. Never wanted to tell him to go fuck himself, never told him what an ass he was after he blamed EVERYTHING on me. He refused to apologize for anything. He said he did nothing to apologize for. My friends screamed about the audacity and I'm over here kind of crying silently for yet another day and time because in reality, I want to let this anger out. I know I have it. But I don't know how and it feels like if I just can't