I Don’t Want to See Them

It’s March. We were supposed to go see our families for Christmas back in December but we all got sick. Then, we just didn’t want to go. Again and again, we TRIED to muster the strength.

My husband is a disabled reservist in the military. My son is level 3 nonverbal. I work full time at a high pressure job and part time at the company my husband started. We drive 45 min each way to get our son to a specialized school day after fucking day. Therapy appointments. Doctors. It never ends.

The drive to see our folks is five hours each way. It’s not so much the drive as it is the complete disruption of everything. You would think in talking to our families that the highway only goes one way. My parents seriously go to multiple out of state events for my brother’s family and his daughter’s cheer events. It’s…disgusting.

I can safely say that the only reason we’re going this next week is my full time job has an event in their town I’m mandated to go to. Yay. But also, two birds one fucking stone.

What is going to suck the most is my husband’s family. There are five kids all around our child’s age. All NT. All flourishing.

Not only is our son autistic, but he has global developmental delay. Meaning, children who were born two years after him are running laps around him at the age of nearly 4.

And I know, I shouldn’t compare and 364 days out of the year I manage not to. I manage to find joy when he is able undress himself for bath time or not throw a massive fit when it’s time to come inside or say a stray word once every two months.

But, seeing those children being exactly what I dreamed of when I got pregnant hurts on such a deep level that I don’t even have a word for it. But I can’t display it. I can’t express anything is amiss. I just have to be focused on my baby and what he needs of me at any given moment.

And smile while making forced small talk.