It feels impossible to attend school today

I'm soon 23. I am studying an online class. My attendance is the best it's ever been since I qas a child because I'm at home, I don't need to mask my entire body, during my breaks I am alone at home.

I hate myself rn tho. Like I went to a doctors appointment yesterday to finish my last part of the assessment for autism and such. And I'm so mentally tired. From it.

I hate that my brains like this. Last year I had pneumonia and it was hell, physically. But mentally I was still fine. So I still attended school (Benefits of online school). But this??? I am physically fine. Mentally I'm not breaking down. Yet it just feels so fricking impossible to sit for 4 hours at my desk. Mostly also cause I know were gonna have a book discussion. And I'm prepared, and can probably get by saying nearly nothing - It just feels impossible for me to talk right now.

So I'm calling in sick. Part of me is seeing it as a free day off, because two weeks ago when I had the first part of my assessment my teacher didn't register me as absent because she herself was sick. I wouldve had that day marked absent so instead I see this as a day of absent.

I am so so worried I'm burning out again. I get like 2-4 weeks per semester where eventually I am so tired mentally I can't get up for school and my absence plummets to basically the threshold of the allowed absence without failing. I already had my burnout. The first two weeks of the semester. Mightve been cause I didn't really burn out the same way last semester so then it all came crumbling down this time.

So I have to stick it out til I graduate.

But why is it I can attend school better when I'm physically shit and logically should take time off (like pneumonia, it was HELL), but I still manage school. But if I'm mentally off I just feel I can't?? Ofc I don't call in sick every minor inconvenience, it has to be this special mental tiredness I feel if that makes sense hah. speaking feels really goddamn impossible and I feel like I'm about to cry all the time hah.

How am I going to be able to have a job?? I am telling myself my future job as a game developer means I will sit mostly alone in an office anyways, or that I can work from home sometimes. Idk. I'm so scared.

I feel like a failure. I just can't get up today to be in school and I'm just sat in bed crying. Ik I won't fail from this, but I won't excel either.

Why am I like this.